The latest global epidemic sweeping the western world is a dangerous and severe condition that’s claiming the wallets and floor space of more and more victims every single day. While you’re safe in bed at night, the plant addict epidemic is emptying bank accounts, invading homes and tearing everyday families apart. Your neighbours might have it, your mates probably have it, and you almost definitely have it.
It’s chocoholic’s equally severe and lesser known younger cousin—plant addict. The scariest part is that nobody’s safe (in particular, millennial renters who aren’t allowed pets). So, hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause it’s affecting everybody out here.
Here are 29 signs you’re an indoor plant addict.
- Whenever you go away for the weekend, you organise for someone to ‘feed your babies’. If they say no, you cut them out of your life forever.
- Your phone background is a nine-tile collage of various ferns named after all your exes.
- Your cats’ names are Monst(era) and Fiddle, and you only feed them water and soil.
- There are no empty nooks and crannies in your house, only varying sized pots of tropical plants.
- Your family always complain that there are no photos of them in your house, just selfies of you duckfacing with a couple of Norfolk Island Pines.
- You don’t hang posters, only string of pearls plants.
- You lose your keys every bloody day because every friggin’ surface in your home has propagating succulents on it.
- You can’t remember the last time you recycled a container because you repurpose literally everything into plant pots.
- You knocked down a foundation wall in your house to let more light in.
- Your indoor plants have first names AND middle names.
- And distinguishable personality traits.
- You worry about the quality of air in any space that isn’t your house, and can’t understand why people want to murder their own lungs.
- You have a life ban from Bunnings for trying to French kiss a rubber plant.
- And partner has threatened to take full custody of your kids if you keep spending their school fund on organic soil.
- Now you shop for plants online in Incognito Mode and frequent porn sites to throw them off the scent.
- You check the star sign for each of your plants when flicking through Woman’s Day at the supermarket checkout.
- You’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve taken a plant to ‘bring your pet to work day’ and had to explain to co-workers that succulents are living things too SO BACK OFF MOLE.
- You’d let yourself get dehydrated before you’d let your plants dry up.
- Every second post in your Instagram feed is a tiny cutting of a variegated hoya you got on eBay for $90.
- You used to have a balcony, now you have a three-piece outdoor dining set hidden under a six-tiered herb garden.
- You don’t like dogs because they breathe too heavily.
- And cats move around and sh*t too much.
- You don’t judge a book by its cover, but you DEFINITELY judge a person by their indoor flora collection.
- The recent news about Don Burke shook you to your core and you’ve had trust issues ever since that crusty sex pest was ousted.
- It feels like you’re murdering your baby every time you take a leaf from your own basil plant.
- You had to take the computer off your desk at work because it was taking up too much plant space.
- You haven’t washed your bed sheets in months, but you wipe down your plants’ leaves every Wednesday.
- You turned down a promotion at work because it meant relocating and Jetstar wouldn’t give you a quote for transporting 65 houseplants.
- You take carers leave every time your fiddle leaf fig loses more than 2 leaves in a week.
Want to join the plant addict club pronto? check out our most popular plants here.